a love letter to my future husband..

1-22-2015
6:15pm

My Love,

sometimes i ask God if you could appear in an instant to hug me even for just 30 seconds.. i get impatient, some days worse than others..

when i think about the future, i smile to the thought that you and i will be laughing together all the days of our lives.. but until God allows, i will keep you in my conversations with Him. i will consistently ask Him to guard your heart as you pursue a loving relationship with Him. i pray that you will listen to His still, small voice as He leads you to adventures that you will most excitedly tell me about one day over a venti cup of coffee on a cold rainy day..

i delight in my journey knowing that God is molding me to be the one to complement you. i am excited to get to know you and have #aventures with you..

until then, we will both pursue Christ radically — do not be afraid to take risks! until we get permission to drown in each other’s love and affection, i will hold on..

until then my love.. until then..

with so much longing,
-Av-

PS. how do i miss someone i have never met? (or have we?)

Advertisements

The Parable of the Cactus.

Lala.jpg

This is Lala. i got her last christmas as a gift.  i was told that i can only water her once a week and i did just that.

For the past few weeks, i have been reading the Book of Ezekiel and i have been learning more about the character of God and His great love for Israel. I have been learning about Ezekiel’s heart and His obedience to Jehovah God.

One morning, it was my schedule to water Lala. Lala dried up and withered. I was so sad to see her die. I was not prepared to lose her. I thought she was alright. i thought she was healthy! i took care of her! Looking at Lala, i realized that the soil had molds and Lala was hallow. Lala was already rotten on the inside — i just did not notice because she looked alive.

After days of reading the prophecies and the representations that God gave Ezekiel, i got a little paranoid and occurred to me that what happened to Lala is God’s message to me.

“I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead.” -Revelation 3:1

I asked myself, am i like Lala? Do i look like i am alive on the outside but really rotten on the inside? I knew that it was time for a heart check. I am convicted that serving others and serving the church consistently do not mean that my heart is in the right place. i may have allowed ministry to get in the way with my relationship with my Father God.

A week after Lala died, i discovered that the water bottle i have been using to water Lala had molds inside.  I think that the dirty water she was drinking killed her. The Series that the Singles’ Ministry had the past few weeks had been about Convictions. and i was moved by the Message on Convictions on Entertainment.

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” – Philippians 4:8

The reason Lala died was because she was poisoned by the impure water from the dirty water bottle. I should learn from Lala. I need to guard my heart and my mind.  I like watching movies and TV Series so i need to be careful with my choice of entertainment. Whatever i feed my mind and heart will bear fruit in my life.  This verse reminds me of what i should be feeding my heart and mind.

Lala died but this has awakened my soul.  Thank you Lord for speaking to my heart.  Forgive me for all the times i have broken your heart to run after what i think is good.  Thank you for always loving me. Please give me the grace that i need everyday to pursue You with all that i am. Teach me to love You.

 

Scarlet Heart

“i came to sit by the water.. however, the clouds had come..”

Best Character

The fourth prince Wang So is definitely my favorite. The character is dark and deep. His eyes are expressive and i can feel his pain even when he displays strength.

 

Favorite Loveteam

Wang So & Hae Soo were my favorite.. then both broke my heart.

Favorite Scene

This scene is crucial because it exposed the hearts of the characters.

Me Character

If i were a character in this series, would be the 13th Prince, Baek Ah.  He is an artist who likes roaming the streets, befriending commoners, fell inlove with an enemy.. He was not interested to be king.. He was a loyal brother and friend. He wad willing to put his life on the line to save the people he love..

The Ending

This story broke my heart over and over again.. this series just never gave me what i wanted. i do not mean that i do not like the ending.. it ended the way it should.. i just wish i got the ending i wanted.

Say it. Don’t say it.


i somehow have this feeling that saying something out loud makes that thing real.. like when you know something exists like a feeling or a secret — it becomes more real when you admit it to someone else..

but here’s the thing.. the truth is still the truth in silence or in words.. just because you refuse to admit something does not mean it is any less real..

When GOD does not lead me along the main road.

download

Exodus 13:17-18
When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, “If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.” So God led them in a roundabout way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea. Thus the Israelites left Egypt like an army ready for battle.

 

 

If there is one thing i complain about God, i have to be honest, it will be that He is too slow about some things in my life.  I get really impatient and i wish to be better at that and i ask God to help me understand, help me grow up and make me patient.

It is when scripture shows me these things that it makes me look at my own life and i see that when God does not lead us the main road, it is because He is faithful. He knows my tendencies to choose what is easy and hurt myself because of poor judgement and bad decision making.

I realized that it does not matter which road i am on or how long i get to my destination. Only one thing matters: that GOD is with me.

—————————————-

 

 

 

 

True North.

Just because you’re walking does not mean you are moving forward.. just because you are moving does not mean you are going towards where you should be..

my feet have taken me far.. sometimes i think maybe too far away.. my scars are bleeding as if i just got wounded.. where did i go wrong? what do i do now? 

which way is north?

Cut

you are like a paper cut.
i got you while working on a normal day
tiny but enough make me bleed
you make me wish i was more careful
and i have to wait until you hurt me no more..

my paper cut, you are.